Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Our friend M

While I was finishing my bachelor's degree @Purdue, the hubby and I were living in a small house in Lafayette. Soon after we moved in, we made friends with the neighbors. One, in particular, became our good friend - M. She was a little older than us (by about 4 years) and she was happy, spunky, and always willing to make new friends.

The hubby and I were drawn into her sphere. She had her own landscaping/lawn mowing business, and the hubby started helping her out on a few jobs. We brought her into our lives as our friend; it was never anything more (even though some wondered!). She was truly just our friend, and sometimes we felt that we were almost her parents despite the fact that she was older.

M struggled with depression. She was also a recovering cutter. She was open about her "issues" and also about her sexuality. M was so good about not judging others, and she was always able to excuse others behavior/judgments.

M was a large part of our lives for so long. We spoke on the phone nearly everyday after the hubby and I moved to IL in early 2004. She was even one of my bridesmaids.

Yet, in late 2005 we started noticing that she was getting herself deeper and deeper into trouble. She had alot of drama: married lover, drug problems, and she was struggling with cutting and depression again.

She stayed with us briefly in late 2005 and into early January in 2006. During her visit, the hubby and I saw that we had drifted apart in our friendship with M. She was asking for $ for various debts she'd acquired, she was talking about buying drugs and bringing them into our home, she was talking about her married lover's spouse and how the spouse was trying to track her down to hurt her. Again, a lot of drama and not necessarily something we wanted in our lives.

We talked to her about it and tried to help her. She basically said she wasn't giving up the lover and she wasn't giving up the drugs. We were "okay" with the lover (her choice, but we were worried for her) but we couldn't condone the drug use. So, we asked her to leave.

That was the last time we saw her.

I spoke to her for the last time in late 2006, right before Baby R's birth. It was obviously the end of our friendship. However, the conversation was very friendly and just a little sad. We basically said goodbye and good luck to each other.

Over the last 4 years, as I've had my boys and grown in my life and career, I've thought of her. I've wondered if she was able to find love, if she was at peace with her life...

But, I've never tried to contact her.

Today, a friend sent me a note on FB and let me know that M had died. She committed suicide.

According to the obit I found, she died in January 2007. Our friend died and we didn't even know.

I'm feeling such guilt b/c I can't help but think that maybe we could have helped her. She must have felt so alone.

I don't know what else to say. I'm shocked, I'm sad. And I wish she were still here. I wish that she had found happiness in her life. I wish she'd never felt pain.

1 comment:

  1. Oh no! That's terrible!!!

    I remember her and I remember the drama she introduced to your life as well.

    Unfortunately, what we know about people who kill themselves is that they don't ask for help; they don't go to therapy or confess their feelings to anyone because they know they will be stopped. In fact, it is very common to find people in jovial moods in the week before they commit suicide because they have made up their mind and are at peace with that decision. Their loved ones are often shocked because they literally had no clue or inkling.

    Regardless of what happened between you guys, she really did want to end her life and you wouldn't have been able to stop her.